DIVE BAR BARTENDER STORIES FROM HELL

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You Can’t Pay Your Tab With a Hotel Key

Try as we might, we still can’t pay a hotel bar tab with a hotel key, but that didn’t stop this winner from trying after running up a bar tab with the hotel bartender. The sneaky bar patron handed the bartender his hotel card key and tried to walk away. “I stopped him and he proceeded to argue with me saying that he doesn’t have a hotel key with him and he already paid. I tell him to open his wallet, which he does, and I pull the hotel key out. He then pays and doesn’t tip, and walks away with middle fingers extended. I had him thrown out.”

The Most Polite Bigot

Bartender: I’m sorry man, I can’t let you in.

Man: why not?!

Bartender: I saw you staggering outside.

Man: What?! I was… I was dancing.

Bartender: You almost got hit by a car.

Man: Well f*ck you then! F*ck you and this f*cking f*ggot bar, motherf*cker!

With that the gentleman storms out of the door and I said “have a good night.” under my breath. Apparently it wasn’t soft enough because he stormed back inside got right in my face and said “No, You have a good night!” and then he left.

Snoops Playhouse

Vapers of the world, we know when you’re smoking weed. Everyone knows! Especially your bartender, so if you’re trying to get cross faded and your bartender asks you to knock it off, it’s probably for the best if you just chill. And by chill we don’t mean smoke more weed, we mean put your dumb smoke machine away. According to the bartender, the smoker didn’t even know how restaurant math worked? “When I hand him his check, he asked if he could apply a negative tip. I told him where the door is.”

Black Belts are Nothing but Trouble

This bartender had the unfortunate luck of running into a Steven Segal wannabe who threw around his karate acumen like so many old socks. After the bartender cut off the karate man, things got serious. “I told him I was going to call the cops if he threatened me one more time and then he told me to f*ck off again and went out the side door and fell down the stairs. I saw people help him up and he was bleeding from the head. They tried to get his keys from him but he over powered the men downstairs, got in his car, and drove off.”

That’s Not the Bathroom

If you’ve ever worked in a bar and restaurant, you know that the walk in freezer is your one safe space away from the drudgery of work. But one drunk guy can ruin everything by pissing all over your chicken wings. According to this bartender, “Dude had to pay for like 5 boxes of wings and was banned.”

She Must Have Had a Hot Boyfriend

This cocktail waitress’s boyfriend used to hang out in the bar all night while he waited for her to get off work (is that a cool boyfriend move?). One night there was a super drunk lady who wouldn’t stop hitting on the boyfriend, and when she found out that he was dating the waitress the lady went ballistic. “She no sh*t broke her glass on the counter and tried to come at me. I picked up the first thing close by which was a cocktail tray and just slapped her in the face with it and she fell right over and we threw her out. She wasn’t just cut off, b*tch was 86’d.”

When You’ve Got to Go, You’ve Got to Go

This story is just gruesome. If you’ve ever been to Las Vegas then you know the type of gambler who hangs out at the video poker machines all day and plays until they’re blackout drunk. When watching those players you might wonder where they go to the bathroom? Well, as this bartender points out, not where you want them to.

“[A] guest came up to me to say that this guy just ripped his dick out and pissed in a water bottle at the bar. Let me remind you the water bottles at my work are the little like 8 oz bottles. I look to see if this is true and what do I see sitting on the bar top?? A water bottle filled with piss color water. I’m like wtf this isn’t real. The guy is still playing like nothing even happened with his piss bottle sitting in front of him. I called my manger over to do the cut off and when she went to talk to him we realized not only was he a nasty f*cking drunk. He had sh*tty aim.”

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble

Maybe bartenders should start asking any guy over 40 that comes into their bar if they’ve recently gotten divorced or if their ex-wives have cleared out their bank accounts in the last few days. One bartender could have saved himself a lot of grief if he’d done that instead of serving a guy 7 vodka cranberries, and two full steak dinners before getting into the shortest fist fight known man and only getting $70 of a $200+ bill.

MN Magazine

MN Magazine

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