They Google every recipe on their phone
If you don’t know how to make an Old Fashioned, you
should at least have a dusty, 100-year-old, leatherbound book laying around for reference.
They ask you how to make drinks
Sure, more complex drinks might provide a challenge,
especially if they have weird regional names. But if you
don’t know how to make a whiskey ginger… maybe a new line
of work is in order.
They use sour mix for any citrus drink
It’s like using Pledge in place of lemon zest.
They’re constantly trying to hook up with customers
As a fellow human, I understand the primal urge
to procreate. As someone who’s been waiting on
a Modelo for 15 minutes while the barkeep chats up a woman
in yoga pants, I hope they never get the chance to procreate.
They treat servers like trash
This might be more jerky than bullshitty, but still: Any
bartender worth their salt knows a restaurant is a
delicate ecosystem, and treating co-employees poorly is the
quickest way to sabotage your career. And the bar.
Every cocktail is pulled out of a soda gun
Nobody wants to drink a fizzy, pre-made Old
Fashioned with a slight hint of Diet Dr Pepper.
They use a bunch of gross old fruit as garnish
Sure, it took you a really long time to slice a couple
lemons into wedges then open that jar of maraschino
cherries. But maybe it’s time to toss them out and let the fruit
flies have ‘em. I mean, they’re already all over the container
They scoop ice with the glass… or their hands
The latter is wildly unsanitary, the former could result
in shards of broken and chipped glass hiding invisibly
in an ice tray, which could lead to some internal bleeding,
which is also wildly unsanitary.
They keep pouring drinks out of pitchers
Sure, punches are super-hot right now. A pitcher full
of Long Islands that’s been sitting there for a week?
No. Just no
They constantly brag about their bartending credentials
Congratulations on completing a free online
bartending course! And for supporting your local frame store
so you could proudly display your “degree” alongside your
status as a preacher of the Universal Church of Life. Thing is…
that bartending course was about as legit as the seminary that
allowed you to moderate your friend’s wedding.
They go full Cruise
Unless you’re at an extremely outdated Cocktailthemed bar, you’re the only one who gives a shit
about your bottle juggling. If you’re going to act like any
Tom Cruise character, go for Jerry Maguire. That dude had
integrity out the wazoo. **wistful sigh**
They keep touching the rims of glasses
I don’t know where those hands have been. Unless
it’s the same bartender who has been relentlessly
hitting on everyone all night… in which case I do know where
they’ve been. That’s even worse
They won’t shut up about themselves
Bartenders are supposed to be listeners! This is why I
can write off my bar tab as “therapy.”
They only play music they like
A good bartender knows how to play the crowd and
coax the jukebox into playing songs that will keep
the customers happy. A bullshit bartender will play
his self-curated mix of Eastern European EDM and spill every
drink at the bar when ze beat drops.
They actually are Tom Cruise
Look, dude, we know you’re an actor/Scientology
deity. Not a bartender. Just be happy with what